You are bound to have a few fights as newlyweds, but what are the causes?
Couples will often face a great deal of adjustment during their first year of marriage. Newlywed fights are completely normal and will inevitably happen at some point. This can result in difficulties and in many cases the need for compromise. But there are many who don’t realise that simple pre-wedding discussions can pacify these arguments and, if you’re lucky distinguish them all together.
With pre-wedding counselling becoming ever more common and couples taking time to discuss the trickier subjects before marriage, it is clear that those who consider the hardships as well as the good before walking down the aisle form stronger marriages and face significantly less conflict. With that in mind, we've made a list of the 24 most common arguments couples have in their first year of marriage and simple ways to avoid them.
1. Different lifestyles
The likelihood is that you will know each other pretty well by the time you have tied the knot. Although in some cases, you may not know the extent as to how different you both are until you live with one another. Maybe one of you enjoys a night in front of the TV, while the other one enjoys a wild night out on the town. This may cause an issue as you feel you are very different and therefore you might become distant.
Solution: Understanding that as humans we are all different, and not all of us enjoy the exact same things - that's what makes us unique! Opposites attract and it wouldn't be the worst thing to have a night in one weekend and the next go out and have a few drinks with friends. Compromise is key!
This is a big cause of newlywed fights. It can begin with something extremely small and eventually snowball into something huge. Much like Monica and Chandler in Friends, you may have said "we'll meet at 7, " while your partner thinks you're meeting at 8. Then upon arrival you are greeted with a very disgruntled partner who thinks you don't listen to them.
Solution: If you're not great with communication, tell each other. You might find that you come up with some sort of agreement that means you never miss a trick. Even as simple double checking over things if you're not sure - the outcome would be worse in the end if you didn't!
3. Failing to think beyond the wedding
Often the flurry of excitement that's associated with wedding planning may cloud your judgement of anything not wedding related. You have spent so much time and effort making sure your big day is perfect, but you've forgotten to think about life as a married couple. When the honeymoon is over and you and your partner are sitting alone together, you might find it daunting and take it out on one another.
Solution: Sit down together and create a list of everything you expected in your first year of marriage. Once you have done that, go down the list again and ask yourselves if it is realistic or not. You will find yourselves discussing what your wants, needs and expectations are, which will put you both on the same page.
4. Trying to change each other
An issue within any relationship (married or not) is wanting to adjust your partner. Whether it is their personality or their looks, you have to try and accept them for who they are. When two people become comfortable with each other, they may start picking faults and trying to make changes. Inevitably, they will start to lose who they are as a person and you don't want to be responsible for that.
Solution: If they do something that gets on your nerves, tell them! But do it in a rational way so not to upset them too much. Think about why you fell in love with them in the first place? Did you want to change them then? If you didn't then, then you shouldn't need to now. Accept them for who they are and they will do the same for you.
5. Avoiding important discussions
Newlywed fights consist of many topics, but this one can be quite harmful to your marriage if not taken seriously. In some cases there may be money issues and you know it will effect your relationship if you don't bring it up. Putting it off or hiding information can be a serious way of causing distrust and that is the last thing you want as a newlywed couple.
Solution: Although it sounds simple, talking is the answer. Take a deep breath, sit down, and let everything out. Try and stay in a calm and rational manner and stick to the issue. It may feel tense at the time, but once all the cards on the table, you will both feel much better and then you can begin to move forwards.
There is a man/woman in the bar who keeps looking over at your partner with a flirtatious look. This may be what you're thinking when you see someone glance at your other half, however you might be making the situation larger in your head than it needs to be. Jealousy is a killer of relationships, if your relationship has no trust then it is really important to find a way to fix that.
Solution: Ask yourself why you are jealous? Did something happen in a past relationship to cause this? Talk to your partner about why you feel jealous and see if there is something you can come up with together to help the issue. If you feel as though your jealousy could potentially ruin your relationship then seek professional advice. Marriage counselling could be the perfect thing for you and your spouse to put some well needed trust into your marriage.
Prideful behaviour can be a big cause in newlywed fights. Maybe it's as simple as not wanting your partner to pay a bill as you feel it is your duty, or maybe you find it hard to admit when you're wrong in a situation.
Solution: Take a step back and think about how the situation looks and if your pride is really getting in the way of being happy. Sometimes just taking a breather and saying sorry can be the best remedy for newlyweds.
8. Not spending time together
This could be down to spending a lot of time at work or on other personal commitments. If you are spending more time with other people than your partner - it's a problem. Fighting about wanting time together means you love each other, so you should bare that in mind when you cancel date night.
Solution: Have a set day each month or week (depending on your availability) and dedicate it to each other. That way you won't make plans on that day and you'll get that important quality time together.
9. Spending too much time together
On the flip side of not spending enough time together, having too much couple time can also be damaging. You will start to get under each other's feet and begin to find one another annoying. That can end up with you building up resentment towards each other and eventually you'll start to take your partner for granted.
Solution: Make time for friends, not only will it help your marriage but your friends will love the time with you as well. If you really struggle to be apart then try and invite mutual friends around, that way you are still spending quality time but with the added extra of socialising!
10. Unrealistic ideals about marriage
Maybe when you were younger you pictured the most picturesque life with your husband/wife. Once you got married you may have felt let down by the reality of it. It is often a misconception that everything changes after the wedding, and in many cases it does, however not always in the ways you expect it to.
Solution: If you're feeling a bit saddened about the realities of newlywed life, take a moment to look at all the amazing things about your relationship. Don't think about any negatives, just all the things you love. It will put things into perspective and you'll find that things don't look so bleak after all.
11. Making decisions alone
Making an important decision without your partner is not the best of ideas. Doing something that affects both of you with consulting the other person will just cause resentment and a definite argument. Putting a deposit down on a car, booking a holiday, or even promising your parents you'll be at there's for Christmas, these are all things that could make your partner feel left out and fairly annoyed at you!
Solution: Include your spouse in important decisions as much as you can. If you're unsure of what qualifies as important, ask them. It's as simple as that! It really boils down to communication and including one another in decisions. Always remember that you're a partnership.
12. Taking them for granted
Feeling like you cook, clean, wash-up and basically do everything, only to be greeted with a grunt at the end of the day? You're not alone. These are normal marriage problems, it is very easy to start taking each other granted and getting used to certain bad habits.
Solution: If you feel like this is the case, you need to tell them. 9 times out of 10 they're probably not aware that you feel that way and have been none-the-wiser the whole time. Mention how you're feeling and you never know - you might be greeted with a romantic meal and a spotless house!
13. Petty fights
You know what these entail! "Stop drinking from the carton", "I fell over your shoes this morning", "You drank the last of the coffee!" Sound familiar? We thought so. These are normal and are completely expected with newlyweds (and most relationships), bickering over little things can begin to take its toll and in worst case scenarios, become toxic.
Solution: Have a think about what you're arguing over. Is becoming futile in your marriage really worth bickering over who ate the last chocolate muffin? The answer is always no. You're marriage is worth more than that, so try taking a deep breath when you feel yourself getting angry. You'll both feel better for it.
Sometimes people don't feel respected by their partners. This can be down to anything, even as small as burping at the table or not wiping the toilet seat. Respect is important in a relationship as it makes you feel as though you're on the same level as one another. Take away respect and you take away a small part of someone's self-worth.
Solution: Make sure they know you respect them. Tell them how you feel and how great you think they are. Think about their feelings before you do something and always make sure to include them in decisions - no matter how small!
15. Bad habits
This is the one all couples feel the pain of. What is it they do? We can almost hear your thoughts from here! No matter what they are everybody has them, and they're all equally as infuriating.
Solution: Everyone has them and unfortunately we can't always stop them. If they do something gross, tell them to at least leave the room when they do it, out-of-site out-of-mind might just do the trick!
16. Christmas and other holidays
It's your first Christmas as husband and wife and you are unsure of what to do. Do we stay here? Do we go to my families? Do we go to theirs? Before you know it you're shouting like there's no tomorrow and you're considering becoming the Grinch this festive season!
Solution: Aside from what makes other people happy, what will make you as a couple happy. If you want to please everyone then see if you can split the time over the day, or be at one house on Christmas Day and another on Boxing Day. Compromise and talk it through.
17. Not willing to make sacrifices
It is inevitable that some sacrifices will have to be made in newlywed life. Whether it is putting your cardboard cut out of Hulk Hogan in the basement, or getting a more affordable car to suit you both, you have to think about each other.
Solution: Compromise is key here. You may hate it, but they may hate something of yours equally as much. You want to make each other happy so think about which sacrifices will please you both.
18. Lack of 'me time'
Everyone needs 'me time' no matter what gender you are. Whether you want a long bath with no disturbance (he suddenly needs the toilet!) or to play on your X-Box for a few hours. 'Me time' is necessary. If you spend too much time together the arguments will come and tensions will rise.
Solution: Let each other know when you want some time to yourself. Ask them to go out with friends for the night while you relax at home. No doubt they'll be feeling the same and will be pleased to know you feel the same way. They won't be offended... promise!
Sometimes when you're madly in love you tend to forget about the other person's feelings. Newlywed fights consist of an array of topics but this one can be quite an annoyance if they're not used to being criticised. It may be their haircut, or the way they pronounce their words. Whatever it is, it will probably upset them to have their faults picked out.
Solution: Think before you speak! You might think you're being helpful, but they may feel that you're being hurtful. You don't want them to become insecure and start to become withdrawn and uncomfortable in their skin. Always consider their feelings first.
It’s a big factor and plays a significant role in everyone’s lives married or not. However, many couples avoid the subject of money before marriage as it can often be a very tricky one to navigate. However, avoidance can result in disagreements and unexpected bottom lines further down the road that couples aren't prepared for.
Solution: You have to face the uncomfortable conversation head-on before marriage. Discuss whether or not you would like a joint bank account, if all costs will be shared and what would happen if you separate. Though these are sometimes hard topics to think about let alone discuss, it’s better to get them out of the way earlier.
21. The subject of children
So was he hoping to get started right away, in four years or, shockingly not at all? You need to discuss this because the first year of marriage is when couples will typically start looking at the ever-after, what happens next and when the right time will be.
Solution: This is something that will need to be discussed and though it may change over time it is important to ensure you both know exactly what the other is expecting and iron out any disagreements.
While this is not something that needs to be over-analysed, the rumours are true - 63% of married couples have less sex than they did when they were dating. Now of course this isn't just something to think about in the first year – in fact we hope the honeymoon phase lasts long after you return home but it is important to keep the marriage magic alive.
Solution: Make an effort as much as possible whether that be dressing up, going on date nights or just spending all day in bed, it’s important for you both to maintain a healthy physical relationship.
23. I want a divorce
Solution: Straight to the solution for this one! Never say this if you want to have a successful first year of marriage. It is never necessary and is a very strong thing to say to someone after an argument. The effects could be detrimental to your marriage.
24. The in-laws
Now real life isn't like a rom-com and sometimes families can play too much of a starring role in the story of your marriage. While you may love his parents and he yours, it’s important to be clear on their involvement in your lives as you don’t want his mum popping over with her extra key while you guys are taking a gentle soak in the tub do you?
Solution: Talk about it and exactly what’s reasonable for the both of you and how much involvement you're comfortable with. Make it clear without being rude and upsetting each other. However, in a lot of cases family comes first, so sometimes you have to put up with a little bit of in-law annoyance.
There we have it, our top topics for newlywed fights. Hopefully you will have a blissfully happy marriage and won't need any fight solutions, but if you do, just remember that arguing is normal and we all have them!